Making Great Declarations
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Why are you the only one trying to sustain and nurture this friendship?There are many points we need to consider when experiencing this feeling of ‘always having to be the one to make the first move’ and wishing that your friends would call you for a change.As frustrating as it feels, it can also be downright annoying and even make you feel insecure.Does your friend really like you?Did you do something to upset them?Are they trying to give you the hint that they want to be left alone?Do they even want to be friends with you?Your friend is the kind of person who waits for other people to invite them out first.Not everyone likes to make the first move, and some are more than happy to go with the flow.It’s just their style and they aren’t aware of how annoying it can seem to others.Your friend may be shy and feel insecure about asking you to meet up with them.Their lack of confidence can be totally misinterpreted by you or others and even though they would love to meet up with you, their insecurities prevent them from calling you.It can stem from a lot of problems they have dealt with in the past and has nothing to do with you as a person.For some people, it takes a lot of courage to be the one to do the inviting and they may even be relieved when others approach them first.Your friend may not be as focused as you are on arranging a bowling night or grabbing concert tickets.You are always one step ahead of them as you like to organize everything well in advance while they have other priorities that occupy them.Someone who is used to being alone can also go a lot longer than a person who is a social butterfly, so their failure to contact you doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to hang out with you.They simply enjoy their own company and don’t feel the need to reach out to you.You may have earned a reputation as being the ‘organizer’ and your friend has taken on the passive role of waiting for you to make all of the plans.If this is the case, they won’t realize that you feel frustrated with them for not calling you and will assume that it’s your job to do the organizing because that’s who you are.Your friend may have different responsibilities or priorities in life, which means that they don’t always have the same schedule, free time, or peace of mind to contact you.The demands of their job may leave them feeling drained, or their family situation could put pressure on them that leaves little time for socializing.Not everyone can manage their lives as well as you, but this doesn’t infer that they don’t want you as a friend.If you are work colleagues or see each other frequently in class, they may not feel the need to be in constant contact, even if you prefer that.Not everyone is into texting and many people find chatting over the phone a waste of time.I know people who don’t even have a mobile phone, even in this day and age, and others who don’t like using social media, which has nothing to do with their desire to have friends.They could be unsure of your relationship, believe they don’t have anything interesting to say, or get anxious about where they stand with you.It’s possible you are very busy and have ignored their calls in the past or told them you can’t talk, which may explain why they refrain from calling you now.Your friend may have different interests to you, so isn’t likely to call you to talk about stuff that they think will bore you.They might know that basketball isn’t your thing, so would rather call other buddies who share the same passion as them.Your friend’s circumstances may have changed.Perhaps they were single when you met and now have a new love interest, meaning that they spend most of their time pursuing that relationship.They could have started a new job or college and need to invest their energy in getting used to that, so they don’t get around to contacting you as often as you would like.They could even be trying to deal with problems that you aren’t aware of, so try not to jump to hasty assumptions without understanding exactly what is going on with them.Often, we are projecting a certain type of personality or behavior that gives the wrong impression.For example, calling a friend every day may make you seem pushy or clingy.It could be that you have loads of free time and enjoy chatting on the phone for hours on end, while your friend has responsibilities to meet and can’t afford to do that.Demanding that they call you could be to fulfill some kind of need you have to be at the center of attention and you may not handle feelings of rejection well.If you believe that being a ‘true friend’ means having daily contact by phone, messaging, or getting together, then it’s quite likely that anyone you befriend will fail your ‘friend test’.Good friendships are built on mutual respect, which means allowing the other person their space and listening to their needs.If you think it’s all about you, what kind of vibes are you putting out to others?Once you have thought about how you are coming across and what your expectations are, then you can go about redressing the imbalance that seems to be emerging in your relationship.How can you redress the balance?When you feel that it is only you making the effort in a friendship, there are several actions you can take to put things right.Some of them will test the friendship and reveal how strong it really is.Others are meant to nurture a deeper understanding and hopefully realign your bond with each other.Talk it throughCommunication is the only way to clear the air and move forward.You can’t expect to maintain any kind of relationship if you aren’t prepared to talk about how you feel, so it’s very important that whenever you want to clarify things, you arrange to meet up to talk about it.Make it clear that you want to meet up with your friend to talk to them and suggest a time and place.Approach the meeting with a genuine desire to reach some kind of understanding, and don’t go there in full battle gear ready to attack.By opening a dialogue, you let them know how their behavior affects you and also give them the chance to share anything on their mind.They may feel embarrassed or surprised, but as long as they show a willingness to work things out, your efforts will have been worth it.Make suggestionsIf you are fed up with feeling like it’s always you who has to make the call or text, you can approach the subject with some suggestions.Explain exactly what it is that bothers you and propose how that can be resolved.For instance, your friend never texts you or only replies to your messages in one or two words.Once you point that out, you may find that they simply don’t like that particular means of communication.You can then suggest having chats over the phone instead if they prefer.Perhaps they are always more than willing to come to your place but never invite you to theirs.The point is to make it clear to your friend that you enjoy being in their company and would appreciate knowing that those feelings are reciprocated.There’s no use in pressurizing them to behave in a way just to suit you, but you can make suggestions for keeping in touch.Offer them some options such as taking it in turns to call each other, or alternating who arranges what each weekend.That’s a great way to bring balance to the relationship.If your friend is aware of your needs, hopefully, they will make more of an effort in the future to contact you first.If they aren’t consistent, it may be that they were simply trying to please you and you will need to consider what your next steps are.Making plansIf, for whatever reason, you feel that it’s always you taking the initiative to make plans, simply stop doing that and wait to see what happens.Instead of arranging nights out, put the onus on your friend to suggest something.If they get in touch, great.If they don’t, you need to ask yourself why that is.Could it be that they are genuinely too busy, or have they become used to you doing all of the leg work?A chat with them can easily clear this up and you will know from their reaction if they are keen to meet up with you or aren’t that committed.You don’t need to sulk or start ghosting them.Just be open and explain that you would appreciate it if they could suggest activities too sometimes.Depending on how they respond, you may learn a lot about what is going on with them and even give them the space to take the initiative.If nothing changes after discussing it, you need to ask yourself how much this behavior is affecting you and what you are willing to accept.Understanding the dynamicsYou may have the wrong expectations about your friendship with a particular person.It isn’t that they don’t like you or don’t want to spend time with you but they might overlook you in favor of more established friends.Until you forge a deeper connection, you can’t expect to be included in everything so give your friendship time to grow and see how it goes.It’s possible that your new friend feels you won’t get on with their social circle, for whatever reason.At the end of the day, you don’t have to feel like you are competing for anyone’s attention or taking anyone’s place.Be yourself and don’t undermine your value if you wish to earn respect from the other person.Forming a social circlePlacing all of your money on one horse may turn out to be a lucky move, but can also leave you penniless.Relying on one sole person to satisfy all of your needs is a lot to ask for, especially if that person already has a network of acquaintances.In reality, no single individual can give you everything you need in life and although it’s great to have a few close friends, being too dependent on anyone in particular isn’t such a good idea.They may enjoy going to see a movie with you but prefer to go shopping with someone else.Create a diverse range of friends so that you feel more rounded, instead of waiting for one person to contact you.By widening your network, you have more options and can enjoy being with different friends for different reasons.There is no need to be left sitting at home, wondering why X or Y didn’t call you.Relying on one individual can make or break your weekend, which may leave you feeling bitter and sorry for yourself.By expanding your circle, there will be more opportunities for you to get to know a range of different people and remove your dependence on any one individual.Adjusting to new friendshipsJust because your old college chums used to text you every day, it doesn’t mean that a new group of friends will do the same thing.When you begin any friendship, it’s important to have an open mind.Sure, you want to hang out with someone you can rely on, trust, and have fun with, but they may not behave the way your old pals used to.Once you grasp that it’s not their thing to text frequently, you can focus on enjoying time together rather than letting any insecurities rise to the surface.